Lili Read online

  “I keep reading your letter over and over again. My heart is thumping until it feels like bursting. You will soon see the Professor! You will be there when he talks to Elena! If only I could be there too! I console myself with the thought that he will soon be here again. Then I shall feel saved once more. No one here is allowed to witness my excitement, or to learn what is going on in my mind. It is hard, but it is also splendid. Now I shall count the days and soon the hours … and then the Professor will be here again. You will certainly understand my longing. What should I be without him? I owe my whole life to him.”

  “16th May.

  “You will get another letter today. The Matron is now back again. How glad I am to see her benevolent, motherly face every day! The whole of the private ward is now undergoing a great spring-cleaning. Everything smells of soap, soda, polish, and new curtains. The clinic is getting ready for the return of its lord and master. The nurses skip along so swiftly that their white skirts look like bellying sails in the wind. Ilse – the little maid who waits on me – is polishing the lock of the door in my room. Everything is shining and sparkling. And she herself glows like one of the newly-opened roses in the garden. Later on I shall take a little walk in the garden with Mrs Teddybear. It is so sunny there now. The birds are twittering the whole day until late in the evening.

  “The opera-singer has now left us, but a fresh lady has already arrived. She has a stern face. She has come here for her confinement. Teddybearkins says it will be a girl. Hence it will not be born until the Professor is back. Boys make no bones about getting born, but girls can only come into the world with the help of the Professor. Her logic is very amusing.”

  “17th May.

  “The white birch trees are now casting long shadows. The sun will soon disappear behind the clock-turret near the Professor’s balcony. The bright red blossoms of the magnolia tree – you know it – give off a heavy scent. I am overjoyed! I am lying in the chaise-longue, in the centre of the garden, and writing to you. It is my Garden of Eden. Soon the Professor will be here again. The rhododendron bushes under his balcony are in bloom. Like great lilac flames they gleam between the fir trees. I have to keep looking and smiling at the balcony. The turret clock is striking six. The thought suddenly occurs to me that you, Elena, and the Professor are now talking to each other in Paris. Perhaps you will be with Ernesto and Elena this evening. My thoughts try to flit through space to you. It is a strangely quiet hour around me. When was I so glad as I am today?

  “The Matron had said that the Professor will probably be here in the morning. No, I stated definitely, not until the day after tomorrow, and I looked very mysterious. She looked at me astonished. She was not aware that I had received a letter from you.

  “What a scent from the magnolia tree! The whole of spring is contained in its fragrance. A petal has fallen on my chaise-longue. The magnolia tree wants to send you greetings. You shall have the petal. I cannot write any more now. I will only think, in blissful silence, of you and my happiness.”

  “19th May.

  “He came this morning.

  “I had made myself as pretty as possible. At first I dared not leave my room – until it became intolerable. I crept along the corridor and spoke to one or two nurses. Suddenly the large folding-door opened behind me, and in a moment the sisters disappeared … I stood alone … as if nailed to the floor, and could not move.

  “‘Good morning,’ I heard a voice say behind me. My knees trembled. He came towards me, embraced me, and regarded me with a smile. ‘You look fine,’ he said. I had to lean against the wall, to avoid swooning. I stammered over a few stupid words; but he had already disappeared. And what did I do? I went back to my room dejected, and wept. Somewhat later the Professor came to me in the course of his rounds. I had calmed down again and was quite rational; I could listen with composure and without trembling. He told me about you and Elena. He also said that you would soon be coming to Dresden. Splendid! Splendid! He brought a small parcel with him from Elena. It was wrapped in a green silk band. And what did it contain? A perfectly ravishing nightdress! The Professor smiled when I showed him Elena’s present.

  “You see how correctly I guessed? About six o’clock in the evening of the day before yesterday you were together. My feelings did not deceive me!

  “Now I am waiting impatiently for your letter. I hope it will tell me everything that the Professor has told you about me. I feel very exhausted – of the joys of this fine day. Joys, too, consume strength. I do not as yet possess such a terrible lot.”

  “20th May.

  “An hour ago I received your letter. I have read it many, times. I am so glad! The last operation is now imminent.

  “The Women’s Clinic has awakened from its fairylike sleep. What activity reigns here once more! Only you are now absent, else everything would be as it was before. Since yesterday many fresh patients have arrived, and the Matron has her hands full.

  “My little friend, Mrs Teddybear, left me yesterday. The ‘stern lady’ has had her baby – it was a girl.

  “I must break off now. The Professor is passing, and my heart is beating violently.

  “I must first get used to the idea that I shall now be seeing him daily. We have had to live without him three long weeks. It does not matter if I have no longer any friends.

  “Ilse is bringing me breakfast. I am not allowed to breakfast in the garden under my magnolia tree. Life is so wonderful! To be able to stay here always! It would be too lovely!”

  “22nd May.

  “I could not write yesterday. Teddybearkins visited me. It was delightful, although I did not believe that she came exclusively on my account. Then – think of it – I went out alone. Alone for the first time. I am now allowed to do so. I bought various things: silk stockings, powder, confectionery, and the like. How delightful it is to be addressed as ‘madam’! You must not smile when you read this. I have also bought some lipstick. ‘Take these, madam; guaranteed kiss-proof,’ declared the shopkeeper. I bought it with a smile. When I told the Matron about this, she also smiled. Then I wondered to myself whether my smile was not somewhat melancholy. I saw the little shop assistant in my mind’s eye. For her it is certainly desirable to use kiss-proof lipstick. But for me? No, no, no, what am I saying? It would be best to delete this passage.

  “I have received such a delightful letter from Elena. She too mentioned a conversation with the Professor about my new operation. I did not understand everything she said. Should I ask the Professor? It would not come easy to me. He has a strange way of making me submissive. Matron and the nurses are quite incensed over my ‘transformation’ since the Professor’s return; they say that I have completely lost my independence. I haven’t even the courage to ask him when my next operation is to take place.”

  “23rd May.

  “What a disappointment! Today the Professor came alone to me – without Matron. I plucked up courage. Very cautiously I put a few questions about my new operation. He cut me off short by saying that I was not to let my mind dwell upon the subject. Basta! I wanted to excuse myself, and said that I had only asked out of foolish curiosity. I behaved like a schoolgirl. Then I felt his gaze. ‘All right, all right. Don’t think about such things. Why do you want to burden your young life in this way? Just go on living for the day, without bothering, and leave all the rest to me.’ Then he went. I remained sitting in my room crushed. Of course, I understood quite well that I ought not to bother myself about the matter. Sometimes I think that he is treating me in such a way as to obliterate every trace of Andreas which might still be slumbering in me. Certainly this must be why he is so strict with me. If that is really his intention, he is succeeding. You must believe me when I say that I have forgotten Andreas and everything connected with him. For me he is a dead person. If by chance a recollection arises in me, I see nothing but clouds, vague clouds. But I should like to know just how long the Professor intends leaving me out at grass pending the last operation. I am longing for a lett
er from you. When are you coming?”

  “24th May.

  “This will be quite a short letter. I have been in the town with Mrs Teddybear the whole afternoon. We went into a number of large costumiers’ shops and inspected clothes, hats, and other delightful things. I bought a pair of very pretty shoes with the highest heels that I could find – a combination of varnish and snakeskin. They look perfectly delightful. Tomorrow we are again going on the spree. It does me good to go out into the bustle of the town. Otherwise, the waiting for the operation would get on my nerves. I hardly see the Professor these days; moreover, he has a lot to do. Since his return there have been many fresh operations every day.”

  “25th May.

  “At last! Tomorrow it comes off! When shortly after breakfast I was about to say goodbye to the Matron – Mrs Teddybear was already there waiting for me – she explained briefly and to the point: ‘You cannot go out today. You must go back to bed immediately, as you are to be operated upon tomorrow.’ I had to obey. Teddybearkins went with me to my room, in order to console me. Soon Matron came, sat beside me, chatted to us both, and once more assured me that the new operation was a trifle. After this she took Mrs Teddybear away with her, and I was left alone with my thoughts.

  “Even operations tend to become a matter of routine! Strangely enough, I had tidied up my wardrobe and chest of drawers early that morning. It looked like a presentiment. Everything was now in its place. I had only to say to the nurses: ‘In the right-hand drawer are night-dresses and in the drawer below handkerchiefs, etc.’ My ‘beauty-parlour’ I had fixed up in a press beside the bed. Thus I had everything which I needed ready to hand. Your vain Lili would always like to look pretty – even when she is being operated upon. I must do the Professor credit.

  “I have had to leave off writing for a short time. Sister Frieda has been with me. The indispensable and not altogether pleasant preparations are over. I am somewhat exhausted. Hence for a few moments I felt very disheartened. The thought occurred to me that it would perhaps be best if I did not survive the new operation. I realize that it is a serious thing – and probably very painful afterwards.

  “A few days before I had asked the Matron in jocular mood whether a local anaesthetic would not be sufficient this time, as I had a desire to watch the Professor while he was operating. Moreover, to combine the useful with the pleasant, I should have something more of the Professor’s company in this way. His daily visits, in fact, only last a few short minutes. The Matron looked at me quite horrified.

  “‘Impossible! We do not employ local anaesthetics here, least of all with abdominal operations.’

  “I hung my head. I wanted to cry. Suddenly I felt a sickly terror. One day I shall have to leave my beloved clinic and my great protector.

  “Would it not be better for me to sleep quietly between the white birch trees where I have been so happy? But the next moment I realized that I must not think of such things, and that I must not think of dying. That would be treachery towards the Professor, after all he has done for me. No. I will not die. I know that I shall pull through.”

  “26th May, 8 am.

  “I am now ready and waiting to be summoned. Since five o’clock this morning I have lain awake. I made a careful toilet, and put on Elena’s pretty night-dress for the first time.

  “Yesterday evening Teddybearkins sent me a gramophone. I was visited with a crazy longing for music. And behold me – all dressed up – listening to the ‘Magic Flute’. While I was looking in the mirror, and raising my arm as if dancing, it suddenly struck me that this silk night-dress was more appropriate for a bridal night than for an operation. Quickly I slipped it off, and put on a quite simple gown.

  “Now I hear the wheels of a trolley coming. I think it is stopping in front of my door. The nurses will soon be here now.

  “If it should turn out badly, you must thank the Professor for all that he has done and tell him that I spent the happiest time of my life in the Women’s Clinic. Also give my greeting to Elena and Ernesto – and Claude. I often think of him. Yesterday I received a dear letter from him. Tell him that I will soon write.

  “Dearest Grete, everything of good in my life has come from you and the Professor.”

  “27th May.

  “Now things are somewhat better. At the moment of writing I feel scarcely any pain. I know the Professor telegraphed you that everything passed off well. Yesterday’s awakening was horrible.

  “‘You must keep your legs still,’ said the Professor.

  Only then did I notice that my legs were continually moving – as if I were cycling. With pain! And then they did not stir again – as if they were paralysed. So great is his power over your poor Lili.

  “Afterwards he bound my legs with bandages to a heavy cushion.

  “I have no idea how the afternoon and night have passed! I only know it was horrible. But do not be uneasy; things are somewhat better now.”

  “28th May.

  “Thanks for letter and telegram. You need not worry. However terrible my present state is, it must be endured. Yesterday, after waking up, the young nurse who was keeping watch beside me said: ‘Try to smile just for once, madam – the Professor is coming again in a moment.’ Otherwise I cannot recall his being with me. God knows how much morphia I have taken since the day before yesterday. Probably my groans and screams could be heard a mile away. Prior to the last two days I had no suspicion of what pain really meant. Yesterday evening the little sister sat beside my bed and wept, I believe out of sympathy. But tomorrow I shall certainly be better, and then I will write again.”

  “29th May

  “How dear of you to write every day! It comforts me in my misery. The worst is that I must not move. I have a tube in the abdomen, and consequently I must keep my legs still. Thank God, I can move my arms, otherwise it could not be endured.

  “I do not like to show myself to the Professor – without powder and rouge. In the morning I spend whole hours on my toilet – however hard I find it. Often my arms drop out of sheer weariness. You have no idea what exertion it calls forth, and the result is mostly insignificant. Vanity? Perhaps it is just my vanity which is sustaining me these days. It is the means of giving me some occupation. Sometimes I even think that the most immortal element in me is my vanity.

  “There is a new nurse, who is called Ellen, and who is always good-humoured. She and the little Frieda look after me in turn. They are terribly good to me. I may not yet laugh. It hurts so. If only you can come soon!”

  “31st May.

  “I have just passed two more terrible days. Consequently you have not heard from me. Just as I thought the worst was over, I was suddenly gripped with terrible pains. The Professor, who was fortunately in the neighbourhood, was summoned. I was pushed headlong into an examination room. At first, on the way, I groaned – but when several strange ladies passed us I pulled myself together. I did not want to show weakness in front of strangers.

  “During the examination my knees were clamped to the bed. I felt so miserable that I scarcely noticed what was happening to me. I only saw the Professor standing in front of the window, his back turned to me. ‘Count,’ he said, and then I became aware of the repellent odour of ether. It lasted longer than usual. I came to 37. When I awoke the doctors were there to put me to bed. Then I heard someone laugh. I had, in fact, called out: ‘Where is the little ape?’ I had dreamed that the little ape which belonged to the head doctor was sitting beside me and eating my salad.

  “The next day, which was yesterday, the pains started again. Again the Professor had to be fetched; but this time there was no anaesthetic! I screamed terribly, and afterwards violently reproached myself for doing so. I saw from the Professor’s expression that he was suffering with me; but I could not control myself. When it was over I was given a larger dose of morphia, but it was some time before it took proper effect. I noticed my thoughts were becoming confused. I heard myself groaning and screaming as if from a long distance, and always t
he same thing: ‘Give me my clothes. I will jump off the cliff! I will not die in the clinic, to please the Professor.’

  “Matron, and silent, pale Sister Hannah, sat beside my bed. I sensed their presence as if through a cloud, and felt that they wanted to console and calm me. At last I cried myself off to sleep.

  “When I awoke, I felt somewhat better. Then I discovered the tube was choked up. When the Professor was with me in the evening, I excused myself for my uncontrollable behaviour.

  “‘Now, don’t be too sensitive. I know you have had truly agonizing pains,’ he said. ‘Not on that account, Professor, but out of respect for you I am sorry that I misbehaved,’ I said. Then he took my arm, patted it, and smiled down on me affably and soothingly. Everything I had suffered was obliterated and forgotten through this smile. You see, I am much better today, else I could not have written you such a long letter.

  “Come soon. The Professor is also asking after you.”

  “1st June.

  “Now progress is really rapid. I think the Professor’s smile yesterday evening gave me new vitality. I keep recalling it. It was also high time, for it was a long time since he had smiled on me.

  “Since the last operation he has always looked very stern. I do not think he is pleased with the poor progress I am making. I was very unfortunate! He has certainly good reason to be stern. Perhaps it was a mask, as he is fighting for my life. There was not time for outward display of sympathy. Perhaps such emotions would have been too much for me.